Interruptions. Set backs. Travel all over the effing place, resulting in loss of time. Cancellations, rescheduling, worky worky work. This was me every day last week, and you may have seen my instagram post on Saturday when I decided to swing away all the rage. Life is beautiful, amazing and a precious gift, but it isn’t always easy. I walk a thin line to balance the demands of life and my career, and I am realizing how perfectly imperfect I am with this whole trapeze act of mine.
I have a mean double 28kg kettlebell military press, but there are days I wake up doubting myself, questioning which direction to go, and feeling utterly WEAK. A friend of mine had called me just yesterday, eyes full of tears as she spoke the words she didn’t want the world to hear in response to the challenges in her own life:
“I don’t feel strong at all anymore, and I don’t even know who to turn to.”
It pains me to hear this. It pains me to hear the cries of my comrades who are hauling ass in their training, businesses, family lives, marriages, you name it. It pains me to hears this because I know that feeling, that sheer level of despair that is very real when you are overwhelmed by one too many obstacles and you don’t have the support to lift you up. It pains me when people feel that they are unable to say the tough stuff that is plaguing their minds and emotions for fear of being discredited and brushed to the side. It pains me so much I could scream (and I have, on multiple occasions).
Today I’ve decided to be transparent, to break my own silence to show you all reading this blog that strength requires us to say difficult things, and to share those difficult things with those that support us in every aspect of our lives. If you are a reader of my blog, a long time fan, or someone who found me through those deep social media posts of mine, I am here today to tell you that it is OK to not have all your shit together. It is ok to talk things out. It is ok to cry. It is ok to get the support that you need, when you need it most.
My Big Fat Difficult Thing(s)
In October of 2015, I was faced with a serious and traumatic event that had completely disrupted my ability to work. Psychological damages are very real, and very paralyzing. While managing what I could on part of my intense therapy sessions, I was handed another tough scenario in February of 2016, which was being forced to vacate my previous studio location due to the threat of a structural defect. My bodily systems were already on high alert, but now more so than ever as I scrambled to negotiate funding deals, manage clients, initiate the build out of a new location, promote my publication, and deal with the reality that I was not mentally well at the time. Working over 100 hours a week meant missed training sessions, stopping the care I was receiving from my therapist, and a severe level of sleep deprivation (which does funny things to your brain). By July of 2016, I had to make the tough decision to cut ties with my previous business entirely and focus on my private brand to keep my finances alive. Rebrand. Restructure. Move on. . .
. . . but that came with a HEFTY emotional price. When you are heavily invested in your own work and it’s gone, when you built the very communities you were working in and they fall apart, when your dream lifestyle changes into a dark nightmare, you will be left feeling helpless, isolated, and in a dangerous state of depression that will make you say things you never thought you would say, and do things you never thought you would do.
That all brings me to today, and who I am today and each day moving forward. Getting back out on the interweb, hosting my seminars here in Pittsburgh, and growing my private brand that is swinging back up to the top has made me so ridiculously happy I can’t even put it into words. . .but I did NOT decide to go at this alone. I hired a coach to hold me accountable to my own physical training. I hired a consultant to hold me accountable to my financial growth. I am back doing some hard work in therapy. Most importantly, I gathered around my closest of friends and started spending time with them training, hanging out, and also being of service when they too just needed a hug. I am very fortunate, blessed, and forever thankful for the support I have now that has truly lifted me up out of what once was, and is carrying me along this exciting, new, and powerful journey.
It’s ok if you don’t feel ok. It’s ok to say things that are difficult. You don’t always have to feel strong. You don’t always need to be the superhero. What’s most important is gathering the support you need to lift you up when you need it most. Reach out. There is great strength in your willingness to share your vulnerability.
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I’m leaving you all with a song today that has been close to my heart for quite some time. Wishing you all the more greatness as you continue this exciting journey called Life.
Let nothing stand in your way.